Before she left for Singapore, I told her almost everything. My side of story. She said, “bravery, Ate Arie. At least nasabi mo sakanya, no regrets.”I wish I am as brave as her. I hope I have the courage to say everything in front of his face without a single tear dropping off my eyes. I am too afraid to speak yet I want to be heard. For the past few weeks, my mind is telling me not to talk to him. But then, I know I have to.
He held my hand and that almost took me by surprise.
It was two months ago. My legs and feet were oh-so-tired but I didn’t complain. I never liked walking but that was an exception. All I could think of was, I wanted to take this chance.
I never planned something like that. I am not yet ready to open a little bit of my heart to anyone. I know he’s uncertain too.
His eyes were like the rays of sun or probably like the stars that shine in the darkness of my life. When he talks, it seems like I just wanna close my eyes and listen to him. And his laughs, his laughs aren’t music to my ears. Maybe more than that. His laughs always bring me back to my childhood days. No worries. No problems. Like there’s no tomorrow and you just got to live that day.
Sometimes, I feel like I am seeing myself in him. He’s like my boy version. Completely surreal, huh? Yes.
As days go by, I
almost believed that something more could happen. It was like a magical thing that made my mornings brighter and made me want to sleep early for I know he’s going to be the first and last person that would appear in my screen fone.
We held hands. Talked like best of friends, like we’ve known each other forever. Shared stories like
lovers. Held hands. Exchanged warm hugs. Laughed like childhood playmates. Held hands.
He made me realize that not all men are the same. Because he was different- he showed me something that I haven’t seen in all my failed relationships- RESPECT.
But after those him-putting-a-huge-smile-on-my-face-days,I didn’t expect that the feeling of forever would end so soon…
I wanted to get mad. I wanted to ask him several things that keep running in my mind. But at the end of the day, I would always find myself crying instead. I am too afraid.
almost lost faith in him. But every moment I feel like giving up, I am reminded of his sincerity. His words. His care and concerns. I am reminded of the unsure feelings I know he has for me. Maybe that’s enough for me to believe.
I am trying so hard to not think about him. But many times, I failed. Woke up earlier than usual, work my ass like hell, just to forget everything. I couldn’t tell anyone how hard it is for me to fake a smile. At times, I just wanted to cry. I couldn’t show to everyone else how hurt I am because I don’t want them to know how terrible I feel. I feel sorry for myself for always wanting things that I could never have. I feel sorry cause he never gave an explanation. I feel sorry for being treated like this.
I am sorry for myself because I feel he didn’t give me a chance.
Maybe he doesn’t feel the same. Or he’s
just scared to tell me what’s really going on.
I wish he would talk to me soon because there are some things left unsaid.
I hope he misses me the way that I do.
Talk to me, I’ll be waiting. 😦
I will never tell you how good it felt to see you. I never cared if it was minutes or hours, I found myself just wanting to be with you. Whenever we were together, there was a palpable chemistry between us. I wonder if you felt it too, or if it was only me. I liked the way you didn’t care who was around; you seemed to always want your hands on me. That was new. You were the first guy to openly show me affection. Mentally, I tried to keep you at a distance, even though I knew I wasn’t afraid so much of you as I was of my own feelings. I was trying to not have any, and didn’t know how you felt either. I was skeptical of what you wanted from me, but feared asking would ruin whatever this was becoming.
To be clear, I was confused as to what this even was, which was both thrilling and maddening. It turned into a frustrating struggle, between wanting to see you, and trying to protect myself. In the end, you won. You made me smile and laugh more than I had in the longest time. Yes, I was nervous and scared and skeptical, but beneath that was happiness like I’d never felt before. This was fun. You were fun. That may be difficult for you to understand, how my happiness could be buried under all those other emotions, but it was, and you started to get through to it. I only hope that you realize you did.